October 25th, 2005
|tamasha420||04:37 pm - DEFENESTRATION!|
I had THE PERFECT CHANCE today. the PERFECT chance. Kid was coming down the stairs right behiind me, and Andrew said "Now is your chance!" and I pretended to open the woindow- and it actually opened. I was really surprised and said "Wow it actually opened!" and kid came over and said "Wow there's someone attempting suicide here- better call the suicide hotline!" meaning me of course and I said "Actually- no" and he actually bent over and stuck his head out the window. And Andrew was saying "Do it do it now" etc and I said "Nah don't feel like it" and it didn't hit me until about thirty seconds later that I had missed the golden opportunity- the PERFECT chance to defenestrate the kid. And I kicked myself for it and cursed my idiotic pacifism. I should make one called "I Ashamed to Be Pacifist Idiot."
That was the true portion of the story. Now to embellish, distort, and falsify...
There was tension in the atmosphere as I left AP Lit class. We had just had a huge debate on the subject of Margaret Thatcher's statement about how in politics, if you want something to be said ask a man, but if you want something done ask a womyn. Our teacher, Mrs. O'Brien, had called my arguments excellent and very very logical, and suggested that I submit them to a certain young feminist essay competition. There were several guys in the room, in fact 98% of them, who tried to disagree with me but their arguments were reduced to incoherent mutinous mumblings of "stupid dyke." Clearly I had made many enemies that day- but there was one enemy I had retained from before. I knew today was the day.
I purposefully walked down the stairs and looked at the second-storey window and nodded to my accomplice, Andrew, who had ensured that the window would be open. I thrust it open, dark evil thoughts of murder running through my head. I was at the moment like Macbeth- spurred on by the voices of the Weird Sisters (the Wizarding music group) and by my own ambition. The victim strolled down the stairs, unsuspecting, completely fooled by my face as I looked like the innocent flower yet was a vicious serpent inside, my blood thick with cruelty. The victim assumed that I had thrust the window open with the intention of jumping out myself- his head was so thick and dense, full of the heavy, inredibly dense ,still-not-yet-discovered element ununoctium, that he believed his muttered impassioned insults had beaten my logical arguments and that this had pushed me over the edge. He said something idiotic about me committing suicide and announced this to the world in general, saying someone should call the suicide hotline. Possessed as I was with the marvellous poise associated with the madman in "A Tell-Tale Heart" (though I was not mad- no one mad could have executed the plan so perfectly), I nodded again to Andrew as the victim stuck his hideously dyed head out the window. Andrew produced a loo on a stick from his back pocket and I took it, and hurled it precisely at the victim's head, causing him to be catapulted headfirst out the window. I too looked down, and saw just what I had planned to be there- a manure truck. Unfortunately, the victim's head was slightly heavier than I had anticipated, causing him to tumble in midair and fall short of the manure truck. A ghost of a goat from the school of ten years ago moseyed over and said "Mehhhhhh" and I jumped out the window myself, landing expertly and painlessly on my feet right beside the victim. The victim was barely conscious- he would regain consciousness later. With the help of a pair of rusty spoons, I scooped out some manure and covered the victim's head in manure, and whistled and walked away blithely as though nothing had happened. I had hexed the victim beforehand by doing a timed Memory Modification, so he would have no recollection of the incident later- only the manue was specially engineered to never come off.
By the way, the kid who I'm referring to is an annoying boy who called me a dyke and said he hated all feminists- meaning he hated me. Therefore it was only proper for me to defenestrate him.
Current Mood: evil
Current Music: the window (how utterly appropriate is that?!)
Heh! I once almost got put on the suicide watch list at my school for sitting in a window... psh.
just for sitting in a window?
windows make the world go round man
It was kind of on the 3rd floor. And my feet were hanging down. They always have to go ruining other people's fun.
damn them. this is why we take over the world and make window-sitting not only lawful, but compulsory.